I stayed up too late working on one of the many projects that I am convinced will solve all of the issues in my world.
I wake up to the sound of the bathtub being filled. That can’t be a good sign.
BabyDaddy walks in tells me baby is going in the tub and her whole crib is covered in $h!t and he has to go to work.
Down one adult.
Fill 2 bowls and 1 tray full of organic whole everything cereal and bananas… is this healthy enough? I survived on frosted flakes and fruity pebbles, they’ll be fine.
Friend pulls up to drop off her 12 month old, I completely forgot about that. Pull it together, you only have 3 kids, she has 4.
Little girl runs to the bus stop. I pray to the free-range-parenting-goddess that she will be ok and that the neighbors won’t call child services.
Miracle babysitter shows up to watch babies while I go “co-op”/watch 3 year olds at little boy’s preschool.
My house is a mess and will without a doubt be spotless when I return, miracle babysitter is a lifesaver. How does she do it? She must think I’m a mess of person. I wish I could pay her more. Guilt.
I kiss 1 of the 2 crying babies goodbye and rush to the door. 8:50, I got this.
Frantically run around the house looking for keys.
Babies crying. Everyone is looking for the keys.
Call preschool. I’ll be late.
Miracle babysitter helps me look for keys. Babies crying. Whole bag of whole everything organic cereal being shaken wildly by my wild baby all over the floor. Poor miracle babysitter will have to clean that. I would have left it for days.
Call MamaFriends who live close. Get a ride to preschool. Get a ride home after preschool.
Cancel appointments scheduled for the afternoon.
Search the house over and over again.
Shake every shoe and boot.
Empty every drawer.
Clear out all the kids toys.
Ransack each room.
Go through the trash bins and the recycling with a spatula.
Dissect the couch.
Car is locked. Look through every window. No Keys.
They might be in-between the seat and the door. I’ve done that before.
Call a locksmith.
$95 later, the creepy locksmith opens the car.
Creepy Locksmith shuts the door, car locks again.
I scare the creepy locksmith into opening door again. If I disappear, it’s the creepy locksmith.
….or the UPS dude, he’s odd.
Search the ENTIRE house again. No Keys.
Search the ENTIRE car in the 200 degree crazy humidity filed car. No Keys.
Little boy on his 2nd (5th) cartoon. Is this going to hurt him later in life? Once in a while is ok, right??? Is it really once in a while darlin? Is TV my parenting crutch? I suck.
Call creepy locksmith’s friend who can get new keys without towing. Quotes me $235, F!
BabyDaddy has to text the dude a pic of his license. Baby Daddy unreachable.
The Dude says if he doesn’t get license by 4, he can’t send someone out until tuesday. F!!!!!
Frantically calling BabyDaddy.
Convince the Dude I am not trying to steal the car, he says he’ll send someone.
Googling ways to DIY replace keys. I’m scrappy, i can do this on my own! You can order keys on amazon? huh.
No. be smart. trust a professional.
I can’t believe I’m about to spend $330 to replace my lost key.
Walk to get girl from bus stop.
Tell her my ordeal with the keys. Asks her if she’s seen them.
“Yea Mom, I hid them in my room from the baby.”
Frantically call the dude not to send someone out.
About to lose my mind.
she’s a kid. she’s a kid. she’s a kid.
Deep breathing Mama, deep breathing.It worked out. It worked out. It worked out.
Hit the reset button.
Throw the kids into the car after a long sit down about other peoples things, the importance of communication, money, etc etc.
We’re going to the pool.
Kids don’t listen when it’s time to leave.
One kid gets grounded.
I threaten no dinner for everyone. Did I really just say that? I’m a barbarian.
In the car. With the keys. Finally. Order takeout.
Drive home filled with traffic and arguments about big sister “not having a butt” and how little brother “smells like a butt” this goes on a very long time. Where do they learn this stuff?
Keep it together.
Get to restaurant. Nowhere to park. Baby is naked in her car seat. kids in wet bathing suits.
Park car in front of many parked cars. Run in to grab food in skimpy bathing suit cover. Car running. AC On. I’m officially failing parenthood today…while looking like a trashy heifer.
I don’t get arrested for leaving kids in the running car and the kids didn’t take the car, so that’s a positive.
Finally home to my crazy mess of a house.
Throw kids in quickest bath ever.
Grounded one goes to room/bed.
Little one is tucked in. I need to read more books at night. Maybe if I don’t they’ll think it’s a luxury? I need help at night. No, i just need to keep it together longer. come on, you can do it.
Decide to rock baby to sleep, that makes everything better. You can see her little face forming into the non-baby face. It is like I’ve never seen her before. I need to savor these moments more. She is so amazing and these moments are so fleeting. I lay her down peacefully, I’m about to shut the door…
The phone rings.
Baby is crying.
Grounded Kid is whining.
Little boy is calling for me.